The African Orchid

I hate this story.

I hated it the first time I read it in class in high school and I hated it yesterday when I read it for my class. i wish I could avoid encountering it. I don’t understand why it was written. Did I read it in high school or did I watch the movie at home when I was still in high school? I don’t quite remember. Was there a film adaptation of it?

Was it true story?

Who was Arnold Friend?

Who was Ellie?

Most importantly, who was Connie?

It’s so friggin creepy, living int he middle of nowhere, home alone. Some guys show up in some flashy car and demands in a hushed, slithering, venomous voice, that you “go for a ride” with them. It’s just so creepy, only topped by that other book I read. That one mad eme sick.

But I’m not talking about that book.

I’m talking about this story. I don’t want to encounter it anymore. It makes me skin crawl. i don’t want to figure out who the Character Ellie was. I don’t care. i will read everything else, just not that story.

Ok, done ranting. lol

Oh, if only He would agree? I met a nice guy today, he seemed removed from the BS most people are immersed nowadays. I mean, he was hitting on a natural haired girl. Not a lot of dark skinned men I meet are into natural haired women. I was pretty blunt, I told him I had a boyfriend. I also told him about wanting to be poly and have a sort of “family” of people who love each other with their bodies, who treat each other with respect, and don’t treat each other like booty calls. he said he had been reading about the subject lately, and that it was something he was interested in. I was not sure if he was just saying it because he thought I was inviting him to be my first, but I didn’t care.

The man was bootiful, and bald. He was bald and beautiful, not like balding , but he chose to shave his head. He boasted too much about how much he worked out, which kind of turned me off for a bit because it was more than obvious that he did. lol he read a lo, like me, and talked about starting his own collection of books. He loves food (what guys doesn’t? lol. I told him how sometimes I have an urge to nourish people, and that it makes me happy to see people eating healthily and happily. He loved it!

Oh well, if only I could have him, then I would. I would have set a date then and there and he would have been mine to play with. But I guess he will have to wait.

Call me vain, but I was feeling pretty out of place that day and he made me feel visible. It’s a strange feeling at first, almost like being caught naked, until you realize the person who caught you is naked too. lol

Might keep in touch with him.

Anyway, i was starting to miss Mr. Sadist and guess who popped up tonight after i fell asleep exhausted while doing my homework? Mr. Sadist! OMG maybe he’s spying on me! Oh Super Noes!

Fungry, night hunnies.

Lover, come, I will mend your wounds
Lover, dip your fingers into my dark stream

Seep beneath my skin and heal
Drink until the gaping holes in your soul
In your heart have stopped bleeding
Lover, push yourself past open wet
gates, bury your hurt inside my pussy
The earth of my body,

soft and adaptable,
neutralizes the anger, the hurt, the disappointment
Lover, stay as long as you like
Healing, seeping, suckling my breasts for rejuvenation
And when you have suckled, kissed, bitten and tasted enough,
Left your secrets deep inside me
Press your new strength against me
Stay there, inside my heart, a little longer
Rest your eyes
from the furor and flames

of the sun,

Who shrieks blood orange, indignant at the sight

of us catching our breath beneath
HER sky.

Orchid.

But I like this video. What I have been hearing from him and about him lately has been disheartening. He is everything I detest about people, catty, cold, ruthless, just an ugly soul. A gay man calling someone a f@g? That is just ugly! People like that are my worst worst fear. I think he needs to be done away with professionally. I would be so surprised if his fans turned their backs on him for the ugly things he has been saying about people. It worries me why it took for so long for people to notice the bile that this man spews for a living. I want to see people throw away people like that. They need to be made aware that it is not ok to talk about people like that. He contributes to the further dehumanization of celebrities. Him, tabloids, those smutty papers that make a living from gossip and stupid rumors, they are not necessary and people need to stop feeding those industries.

I think his punch to the eye is a wake up call for people who tout the first amendment and think they can say whatever they want to whomever they want without consequences. When people whine about not being able to say certain words, or the people who use those ugly words and then go “freedom of speech biatch!” , this should be a wake up call for them.  Not everyone is non violent. Not everyone is going to walk away from the situation. Someone can pull out a gun, someone can take out a knife, and you could be dead. You may have a mouth, you may have freedom of speech, but you need to take responsibility for how you speak to and treat people.

I’m just sayin. David Spates says it better, and in a funnier way.

Stranger in Moscow is the best.

If you don’t care for MJ, please don’t read lol.

I hope his death does not overtake the news like Sanford’s infidelity. I love Michael but there are so many other things going on in the world. The media is just trying to get ratings.

I think the reason why Michael Jackson’s death is so shocking is because he became such an intricate part of a lot of people my age’s childhoods. It almost feels like our childhood has officially unraveled at the last seam, with his death, and his music was pretty funkin awesome. I love love love how no matter who I meet, no matter what country they are form, they know about Michael Jackson, and we can be assured that they know how to sing “Thriller” or “Heal the World”. I used to listen to his songs when I was little and feel so connected with everyone else in the world. I felt like he was always asking people, through his songs, to be a better human, to be intouch with their inner human, to face the casualties of living and try to do something, anything. You don’t need to be Desmond Tutu or Mother Theresa to do something about the things that go on in the world.

For that i really really appreciated his music. I was a pretty sensitive child when I was little (I would get very very quiet and kind of go into myself every time I saw street children or the homeless men. The song “Heal the world” made me feel like it’s ok to feel a little wussy because you care about the world and the people in it.) Oh! and I remember Kevin in Ghana (childhood heart thief) used to try to moonwalk and try to dance like Michael Jackson. It was kind of embarrassing but kind of funny.

People shouldn’t be so harsh towards people who are affected by his death. It’s not fame worship (speaking for myself).

A significant part of our childhoods have been sliced off. It’s ok to mourn a little for it.

Rest in Peace Michael.

But i really could care less who Governor Mark Sanford boinked in Argentina. I don’t understand why this piece of news has hijacked everything when there are other things going on.

The man fell in love, the man boinked some woman, it should be between him and his wife, the woman he boinked.

The only thing that should be of issue is the question of whether or not he used tax payer money to go to Argentina and boink Miss Thang.

I guess it is the hypocrisy that kills people, the fact that he has been working to ban gay marriage, limit rights to people on the basis that it might undermine marriage.

I hate it when people make these unrealistic rules for themselves. They think they can transcend their humanity completely by hiding behind some god or whatever.  When they fall, even they are in shock. Stop running and face your humanity.

I only wish that he realizes he is human and  mends his views, stops barring rights to other people.

Realize your humanity, be honest with yourself and others, take the right steps and move on.

Jeebus lets ALL move on.

There’s nothing better than sex when the world around you feels like it’s falling apart. It’s like regrouping or reorganizing. We despair, we cry, we lament, but sex calms everything. Sex reassures that all is well, that we are not alone, and that we can go out into the world and face the monstrosities.

I like sex when it’s rainy outside and the thunder and lightening is terrible, because for a moment it almost feels like I become a part of the flashing light and the rumbling sounds. The fear dissipates, and the rumbling becomes appropriate.

I like sex when I’m feeling hopeless, because though the act of sex takes away my physical energy, my mind and my heart is re-energized.

I like sex when I feel angry and the volcano in my chest will not stop errupting.  Nothing stops an angry burning heart quite like the humbling glow after a mind blowing orgasm.

I like sex when I’m happy, because, well, I want to celebrate lol.

Sex is like a pause in time. It quiets everything, almost like floating above one’s body and looking at one’s life through that pause.

I need pause tonight.

I really don’t know if she is evil, or lying…I really don’t get the situation. It is so uncalled for and so ridiculous why she would lie and then be polite about the book being returned. It’s almost like it does not matter to her. She’s so cold about the whole thing, like she never lied to me, like she met me for the first time. What a strange, strange girl…

What?

WHAT?

Don’t you judge meeee! lol

I used to detest it but I really like  how I don’t have to write long posts that come out scattered. I can expel the thoughts piece by piece until i am happy again.

I forgot to add something to my post last night, the fact that I really enjoy being nude, I enjoy having a blog on which I am nude,  and I enjoy being a cam girl. I don’t succumb to men who come into my chat room ordering me around. Maybe I am a little too patient and nice to those men, but i don’t respond to loud mouthed men with money.  I don’t like being called a whore. Jeebus Cristos please do NOt come into my room asking me to “clap that ass”. That is a trigger phrase for me. It shuts down my entire sex drive. Even men who come in thinking fetishizing me for the color of my skin make me uneasy. I know it is easy to think of cam girls as these victims of misogyny, these, women who desperately need money but can’t do anything else with their lives, but we are varied in life experiences and the majority of us are not stupid. I have ended sessions because the person seemed rude or was being very offensive. Is it so wrong to love cumming for another person? To love watching another person cum and being rewarded for that?

I see nothing wrong with it. But my worrying came from the fact that one skinny dark skinned cam girl isn’t going to change the fact that i am working in a heavily misogynistic industry. It is plain and it is simple.  There are men who come into our chat rooms just for the sole purpose of calling us names or threatening us. One guy, calls himself “analrapist” likes to come in and tell me how he wants to anally sodomize me and make me have his child. I mean, what kind of man sits there and does that (actually, he also likes to tell me that he is offended by my having a white boyfriend and likes to alert me when he is high on coke or crack, so think I know.)? i will admit I find him to be the equivalent of a child throwing tantrums and saying dirty words, but it makes me come to terms with how dangerous putting myself out there like that can be.

Which leaves at the end of this long winding, endless, meandering, ADD post.

How can I do what i love without fueling the monstrosity that is misogyny? Where can I find a balance between doing what I enjoy and not doing what others expect of me, further growing their sense of entitlement to women’s bodies?

And that is the most attention i can spend on this post! lol OMG I swear i have ADD. This post wanders off the path soooo many times! It’s my second try!

lol back to homework!

Take care lovers.

Oh!

WTF IS UP WITH PEOPLE EATING THEIR FRIGGIN PLACENTAS? WHAT SI THAT? THAT IS JUST….UGH….I CAN EAT A LOT OF THINGS BUT NOT HUMAN PLACENTA! *barf*

I have a troublesome, scattered thought.

I am worried about this blog.

I am worried about how open I am about sex and my body. I am worried about being a cam model.

I am worried that I am contributing to a new trend that is growing in this society.

It seems that women are growing up believing that they should leave themselves physically accessible to men.

I feel like men are growing up believing that women’s bodies are always accessible and up for scrutiny (either through tight, short clothes on the streets, porn, billboards, magazines, there is always naked skin available).

The internet has made this possible I think.  This is not an intentional phenomena. It feels like misogyny is strengthening and becoming an even more ingrained part of society. The status of women in this country seems to be slipping.  Women are becoming more and more like commodities than humans. Why is that, in the age after Feminism? After women’s rights, after the civil rights?

I don’t think people would agree with me, but it is something that has me worried about the future of my little sister and the development of her own sexuality. A development void of the influences of what is the growing trend right now. The prevalence of one night stands, the way some men talk about women, the way women talk about their own bodies, what we see in movies, magazines, advertisement, etc.

I just feel like something is not right with the way things are right now. i am not saying we should all go back to the days of being doll like slaves to men, but we need to find a balance. We can be free to do as we please without eroticizing everything and everyone to the point of dehumanization right? People can talk to each other without expecting the outcome of sex or a cam show right?

A body can simply be a body without it being a wet cunt or big tits. It can just be a body being….right?

…………………………………………………………..

I saw the video of teh young girl in Iran who died from a gun shot delivered by the Basiji. It made my heart almost explode in my chest, the cries of the people around her, the terrified look in her eyes.

You know what I hate about death? It si not at all like they portray in the movies. It is not loud, there are no gasping last words. There is just silence. Nothingness. The body ceases to function. The brain shuts down, the organs shut down, the body gets cold. There isn’t much complicated about that. Our bodies just shut down. And that is it.

The pain her family must be feeling must be boundless. Ugh…when will we transcend all this violence?

I want to kick her in the ovaries, and punch her teeth out, rip out that bleach blond hair of hers.

This girl sold me a book I desperately needed for my class. It wasn’t really the book I needed, it was the math program that comes with it that I needed. She sold me the book saying that the book had the program. I bought it on Amazon. I wait, a week almost passes. I get an email from the girl saying “like omg! I forgot to send you the book! I’ve been out of town. I realized you live close by me. How about I drop it on by?”

Ok, that’s nice of her! Sure! Drop on by and bring me my god darn book. She come by my apartment, we meet and i ask her while looking straight into her eyes, “this book has the program I need right?”

She smiles, as sweet as a puppy, “it’s pretty much new. It’s in there. The code for the program is in there.”

I happily grab the book, thank her profusely, and go online to sign up for the program. I put in the stupid code, and it says it has already been used. My heart drops into my stomach with a painful thud. WTF?

I call the girl and tell her that the code is coming back as used. She again says “like, it’s almost brand new. I have, like, never, like, used the code. Like, I hope it like, works for you.” I hang up. At that point I’m starting to get pissed. i call the company for the program and have them look up the code. The stupid code was used in September 2008! I was so friggin mad, I went deathly silent. I asked Sir to call the heifer and tell her I want my money back. He did, she did not argue, and said she would come by the next day to pick up the book and issue the refund. The next day comes, the heifer hasn’t called.  The weekend is almost over, I need that program for work due in class soon, and the heifer is busy taking her time.

Every time I look at the book, I feel like it would be better used as a bludgeoning tool.It is useless to me without the program.

It bothers me when people lie like that. It stops me in my tracks because i don’t understand how people can do something like that without even thinking about how their lies affect the lives of the people they are lying to.

Sorry, last week was not a good week for me.

Many other things happened but this one sucked the most.

ok, done.

Maybe a cold shower might help…and/or ramming the book down her tiny little neck.

I feel really angry.

I can’t help it. I love reading other people’s writings. I don’t really do it to learn anything from their writing. In fact I try very hard NOT to learn anything from them because it makes me feel like a copy cat. I like to pop into Erotica Lee’s blog an look at the photos (really really good in my opinion), and I went into her “Lili Speaks” page, my eyes settling on the latest post. I started reading it, and I immediately had to stop. This was really hard for me, because it was really good. It was making me want to write and I can’t accept what i write if I feel like I’m being a copy cat.

Her writing immediately had my mind going. How do I describe it….it feels like…wet silk, but in a good way, you know? That probably makes no sense to you guys. It just gives me this strange, warm, familiar, dark feeling. There were feelings I recognized from when I started writing those vulgar stories. lol Her writing s are not vulgar lol. I coveted that old feeling and I wanted to recreate it in my own way, but that would be being a copy cat I think because too many elements I like may end up in my own and that is unacceptable for me.

Maybe I should read it, leave the computer alone for a bit, go out for a walk, and then come back later, see if the feeling to write is still there.  If it is, then we’ll see what comes out.

God, I love reading it. She makes me love words again.

 Ok, I had my first severe punishment today, so severe even he felt bad. It involved ginger, and though it was intended for my butt, it spread down to my pussy and set everything afire. I have never ever felt a pain that friggin intense. I was shaking and writhing from it. It was my fault. I suggested it as the most severe punishment on our list. I kind of took it for granted, thinking “I can handle this!”. Ugh! I don’t ever want to break a single rule.

He wants to remove it from the list of punishments because he thought it was too severe. I told him it should stay there, and everytime I want to be grumpy, mouth off, and be rude,  I will think of the ginger setting my pussy and ass on fire.

Strange though, how I suddenly had a craving for ginger honey tea after the punishment. I used the rest of the ginger in my pasta tonight, and then I chopped up a new piece for my tea. I am strangely repulsed and attracted to the smell. It is both terrifying and comforting all at the same time. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m attracted to things that cause me pain and harm, be it emotional or physical. (Sadist anyone? lol j/k. he’s a teddy bear. Hmm…haven’t heard of him in a while. Maybe he’s bored with me! Oh noes! T.T )

Moving on to classes! Doing great in English. Got the highest score in the class.  Let’s not talk aboot math dahlings, too depressing.

Went a round taking pictures like a tourist again. Had people looking at me like “who is this poofy haired African girl walking around snapping pictures like a wide eyed tourist?” There’s something comforting about taking photos. Something very relaxing. I even took my first picture of the American flag. My sister was shocked lol.

Back to my ginger tea lovers. Man, this is good. You guys should try it.

Take care and be happy.

I’ve been taking a lot of photos, but they are not nudie photos, so I have decided to put them on my personal facebook page instead. Thsi place will be for nudie bootie photos only

Today I had a session before class with Super Dom. PLUS I did not sleep very well the night before so i was exhausted after he was through with me. It really is a miracle that I did not fall asleep through my two hour classes. I have a new prop now that i use with Super Dom. i won’t tell you what it is. It’ll make me blush. I learned to cum standing up for the first time. My orgasms are a lot quieter now that they were before.  Well, i should say that I have become a lot quieter than I was before. I wonder if that disappoints him? I’ve become a lot more controlled too when I cum. I have control of my own body. I don’t feel like I’m literally dying a little death. anymore. I don’t have to grab onto something. I don’t have to dig my nails into my thighs and lose myself. i feel every second of the experience, and enjoy it. Just without the thrashing and the whimpering. However, things are still the same when Sir pushes his cock into my pussy. I swear it feels like I am being peeled out of my skin. It feels like my spirit is being pushed out of my body. The feeling is overwhelming. Sex is still so strange for me. I told Sir today when he asked me if I enjoyed it the feeling, after he was done with me and I lay panting on his chest, I really don’t know! I have yet to figure out if those feelings of white fire, of feeling it spread and choke the air from my lungs, the quiet calm that floods my hearing…it is hard to explain and therefore hard to decide on what I think of it. There’s always so much to learn.

I found out today that behind my school is this HUGE chunk of land with a pond and lots of trees…and large swarms of mosquitoes lol. It would be a bad idea to be naked there, but I want to take pictures. It can’t be nude obviously, but I want to share how beautiful it is to you all. There are SOO MANY RABBITS THERE! Rabbits and gophers, and snow white birds with elegant, stick like legs, hawks, birds with black bodies and shiny, satiny blue heads. It is truly breathtaking. The place has soo many flowers too! There were these large throny bushes with spiky green buds with a vibrant pink inside them. I wanted to pluck one, but Sir thought they looked poisonous. Poisonous shmoisonous! I want it! Hopefully on wednesday i remember to take my camera, go for a walk, take some photos.

I turned in the final draft of my final essay today, and as I was reviewing other people’s papers (we had a sort of review workshop), I realized that all the stories concluded with a lesson being learned.My story had no lesson to be learned.It was about the death of one of my favorite aunts when I was little, and how that affected my view of death. It did not teach me to be more religious, it did not each me to seize the day, it made people seem impermanent. They come and they go. They are like memories waiting to fade. I explained it to the Ghanaian woman and she was shocked. But then i was shocked for thinking that she would agree with me. It never occurred to me that that point of view was unique to me. I had thought that everyone dealt with death that way. Strange. I think it is because I have two separate realities going on. There is the reality that was Ghana and the reality that is now. i wonder how age related it is?

Listening to Gigi Ejigayehu’s Abet Wubet. It’s so pretty.

Nightit night.

Tonight on HBO and I am soo pissed i can’t watch it. That show made me like the idea of vampires again lol. AND TARA! Gosh she’s soooo hot!

Darn it! One way or another I will watch that show!  Where there is a will, there is a waaaay!!!!!

Talk about WOW!

Made me giggle lol

Reaction Paper

http://ads.waterbondage.com/imagedb/5049/v/h/320/hires/5049_7.wmv

This is something that I wouldn’t mind happening to me. I just thought she was beautiful and her agony was beautiful. I want to be as beautiful as her. (Talking about her submission, not her looks.)

http://ads.waterbondage.com/imagedb/5067/v/h/320/hires/5067_7.wmv

The Dom was very ruthless, in my opinion. The floating balloons attached to nipple clamps, stretching the nipples, just make me queasy. The thought of that being done to my nipples makes me nauseous, especially since it’s been so terribly sore. I felt as though he was thoroughly using her.

http://www.darkconnections.com/shopping/images/videos/water/water10.mpg

The way she reacted to him gave me a strong reaction to this one. The pure agony in her voice makes me…strangely…want to be her. It makes me wonder if I could cum with that much water pressure on my clit, or would it simply hurt….and what was up with those gray contacts?!

http://www.darkconnections.com/shopping/images/videos/water/water7.wmv

That….is just terrifying. Plain and simple. I’m not really sure what else to add…other than it looks terrifying.

http://www.darkconnections.com/shopping/images/videos/sexsub/sexsub3.mpg

This one…hmmm…ok.

I was beyond appalled when he picked her up by her throat, as if she was nothing…it terrified me, but every time I watch it my pussy stirs…I’m not really sure what do to with that. The guy kind of looked like Joe the Plumber…except….much….um…hotter.

http://www.darkconnections.com/shopping/images/videos/sexsub/sexsub6.mpg

She had such beautiful, plump full breasts. I have actually seen this one before. The whole “race play” theme of it turns me off. I personally find it repulsive. Other than that I really liked the main Dom. He just seems very…effective. Maybe it is the whole “grabbing by the throat” thing still lingering.

http://ads.publicdisgrace.com/imagedb/6799/v/h/320/hires/6799_7.wmv

She was so gorgeous! That was my strongest reaction. The night club scene where she is being groped and played with by all those people repulsed me a bit. But

http://ads.publicdisgrace.com/imagedb/6425/v/h/320/hires/6425_7.wmv

I want to be her. She is so beautiful to me. I want to learn to suck and take men like that, as if it is not a big deal. She was being penetrated by all these mem, and yet she seemed so solid, s at peace. Although at the end when the Domme asks the men if they want to do anything else with her, and he replies “I’m done with her”, for some reason that stung a bit. When they kicked her out of the truck and left her there, I couldn’t help cringing. She was such a good girl! Why would they abandon her like that? I don’t understand that part. I couldn’t stand that kind of coldness.

http://ads.sexandsubmission.com/imagedb/5770/v/h/320/hires/5770_7.wmv

There he is again, the man who grabs women by the throat. He just seems so impenetrable. He is starting to seem kind of scary. Putting her head in that device…that was…strange. The sensations must have been multiplied a thousand fold by that. I wonder if it was because she was beautiful….almost as if to say “your beauty means crap to me.” It’s interesting.

http://ads.sexandsubmission.com/imagedb/5620/v/h/320/hires/5620_7.wmv

Wow! I didn’t even know she was a switch! The curly haired girl usually is the one in charge of dominating the girls. It was quite interesting seeing her submit. He was very thorough with his usage of them. I loved the way they kissed each other. Not crazy about the butt licking part…just seems unsanitary.

http://ads.sexandsubmission.com/imagedb/5671/v/h/320/hires/5671_7.wmv

This one evoked a strong reaction at a particular scene. The look on her face when he showed her the butt plug was…priceless. I can see myself reacting that way too. Whipping her while she was locked into that device also evoked a strong reaction. There is no way to see him, to anticipate the first crippling sting of his whip. Goddess I don’t know what I would do. I think I would cry. (eeek!)