I met the Lover’s uncle today. His wife is Ukrainian, and she is absolutely gorgeous! The prettiest eyes I have ever seen. The way she talks reminds me of my aunts back home or my mom even. Anyway I learned a lot about the men in the Lover’s family. They are all exceptionally smart, very very intelligent, but to the point where it borders eccentricity. His uncle is very very smart but he is reigned in by his wife. The Lover is the same way except he’s a bit too stubborn to reign in. His uncle dropped out of the 9th grade and yet he is working and making a decent amount of money. They are living proof that although mainstream education is important, it isn’t everything, and that people can always make a place for themselves in the world. They don’t have to always follow other people’s life plans. Just because a person chooses not to go to college does not mean they are lazy or stupid. College is not for everyone.
Despite the dysfunctionality, how they are all so disconnected from each other, and the eccentricities, I would be very proud to be a part of such a family. I find them very very interesting.
We went to a Mensa meeting tonight. It was very insightful, very fun, very comfortable, and very very stimulating. In fact, listening to all these people bounce around thoughts back and forth and watching my Lover engage in the conversations was so stimulating that all throughout the time we were there, I could feel my panties getting wetter and wetter.
Weird huh? I guess I really really really really really love intellectually stimulating conversations.
I was wet the rest of the night. I made a mess just sitting on the bed watching TV with him. It wouldn’t stop so I told the Lover to help me…and my goodness he sure did help me. I was so loud. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. My entire being was on fire. At some point he asked “Man what is up with you tonight?”.
I realized something at the meeting though. There was a man who was presenting a lecture of past life regression, and he was talking about hypnosis, birthmarks and other stuff. Anyway, The other Mensans there were very hostile to the idea of spirituality being presented that way. I mean the guy was trying to be logical about it, but he didn’t really have any proof for what he was saying. It was all coming from the perspectives of people who already believed in past life regression. The thing with Atheists that I’m realizing nowadays is how eager they are to cut down those who believe in a god of some sort. I don’t understand the need to make someone feel like crap just because they believe in something. I don’t understand the crusade against Christianity and all forms of religion. It’s very unbecoming, very narrow-minded. I understand wanting to combat religion when ti intrudes into public laws and starts affecting others, but there is no use otherwise to make Christians feel stupid for their beliefs. I think people need to realize that one can be spiritual and still be intelligent.
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I went to the play last night with my sisters. I met my sister’s new boyfriend (he’s so big and strong and sexy!). He is so into her. While she was performing on stage, he was recording her, and his mouth was open as he was doing so. He was so mesmerized by her beauty! lol My sisters, like I said, are very beautiful. Sorry but they are! I don’t understand why they are not models!
Any who-ness, I saw the play for the show, I saw the entire show and though the plot was great, the dances were just ok. I mean the girls looked beautiful, the guys looked hot, they seemed to be very into the play, but it seemed like they could have done a lot better. They should be more traditional with the dances. I don’t know, I have so many criticisms, but I doubt they would listen. Strange girls they are…
I think I made the right decision to leave. It was a toxic environment. Tomorrow I’m going to meet the Lover’s uncle. Kind of excited to meet him. Man this is the most social we’ve been in a while lol
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Today I had an awesome session online. Let me too tired to go back online! I knwo I’m a wimp! lol I feel bad for the gusy though. I feel like I ditched them. id din’t mean to but I felt like I couldn’t really function.
On Friday I was supposed to have a session with my Dom/Master/God of Awesomeness (lol j/k about the last part!), but the video kept freezing up! So we had to postpone, which left me sexually frustrated…and kind of sad lol. But it has been rescheduled to Monday and I am like a kid waiting for Christmas. lol
Sorry I love our sessions! and I’m anxious about the booty plug!
Gah, I should have made a video instead. I’m getting lazy. Hate writing a post! lol
Night lovers.
Here’s a pretty Andalusian song to start your day off well!
In case you did not get the title, I’ve been antsy lately. Lol My eyes have been wandering and so have my mind. Yesterday I joined a BDSM alternative lifestyle website thingie for a few minutes before I deleted it. Why? Because I chickened out again.
My playmate, my Dom online gave me some homework. He asked me why I thought I was meant to be a sex slave….hmm….Didn’t quite know how to answer that. I mean, I’m not even sure I would call myself a slave…more submissive, but I worry that I have created this imaginary hierarchy where Submissives are at the top and pain sluts are at the bottom.
*Note how I capitalized the “S” on submissive.
Any who, they all might be the same thing, although I’m sure there is a distinct difference between a pain slut and a Submissive. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think a pain slut submits because she benefits from it. She LOVES the pain, she isn’t doing it for her Dom/Master, she’s doing it for herself. I think a Submissive surrenders because she wants to please him, and if inflicting pain and being humiliated is what he wants then by god she’s going to endure. I guess it could bring up images of women in abusive relationships to people who know nothing about this kind of lifestyle. But the difference between abusive relationships and this is that the Submissive trusts her Master to not do anything that will put her life in danger. The Master understands his responsibilities and it would go against everything he stands for if he was to hurt her. The key thing that is in such a relationship and is lacking in an abusive relationship is trust…I think (and sanity lol. I should probably not compare abusive relationships to BDSM relationships. It seems like a dangerous thing to do. They are nothing like each other. It just seemed like the way I described the woman made her similar to the stereotypical idea of a female in an abusive relationship). (Now understand I am not an expert of any sort. This is how I see it, through my pink colored glasses). She doesn’t necessarily enjoy the pain, she simply enjoys making her Master happy and wants to be worthy of him. Come to think of it, I doubt it is that black and white. I bet there are girls who consider themselves Submissive and still enjoy pain. Gah! I’ll never know because I will never meet any Submissive girls *sarcastic over the top chuckle!*
I’m naked, listening to Coheed and Cambria “Feathers”. That guy’s hair is fabulosity embodied.
I’ve been naked a lot. I’m not into clothes. They suck. They make me feel like someone is trying to mummify me, minus the removal of the organs.
Oh! Back to my online playmate, my Master. I get to try out a small jelly butt plug with him tomorrow. I have to admit, I have negative ideas of girls who do anal. Maybe I watch too much porn. The girls with the overly dilated assholes, it looks like you could fit your head in there. I don’t want to be like those girls! lol It just seems so dirty! I have tried playing with my ass and it always made me feel funny. Not funny, I actually kind of started freaking out. It was weird. I tried it with the Dom/Master and I came so hard!
Hmm…might have been the wine…
Any who, I am curious about exploring further, but not too far. I don’t want a giant brown hole (ahahahaha! oh shush you know it’s funny! :-P) instead of an ass. I don’t want colostomy bag! lol Ok ok I’m exaggerating.
I’m just exited to be used by him again tomorrow. He puts me in a good mood. I get butterflies in my stomach whenever he comes online. In this case I don’t think I’m getting attached. I just love the way he treats me, like new pet. I’m ok with that. I like that he doesn’t really compliment me or anything, except when I follow his instructions well and then he says “good jobs!” and I beam! Anyway, I am like a blank slate to him. he has many many subs both online and off, and he is not in the least interested in how I look. I’m just another ass to break in lol. I am a blank slate with him. I am a faceless doll. I know it sounds terrible, but in this case I welcome that. I want to be invisible. lol
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The dorks from my old organization keep sending me emails! I emailed them telling them I was not in the organization, and that I wanted them to remove me from their mailing list. Yesterday I got an email with the script for the play for the festival. So now I know what’s going to happen in the play. It’s going to be good! I mean, I don’t mind knowing the plot, but I wonder who else got their hands on it. The play is going to talk about some of the stereotypes towards Africans. When we first arrive in the country, the questions that are simply a sign of ignorance but at times can seem hostile and condescending. I hope I get to go. My sister’s taking me but she has to work till 5 and the play is at 6.
We’ll see. I just want free African food and a chance to spend time with my sisters. My second oldest sister had her birthday on Tuesday. I want to back her a cake still, a nice simple orange cake. I want us to sit around eating and making jewelry with my beads. I miss them. I want to reconnect with them without the weirdness.
Later guys and girlies.
P.s. I love my hair!
Oh! and here’s some music for ya. Daniela Mercury! her songs make me want to go nuts! Just go nuts dancing, sweating in nothing but a tight white wife beater and a nice flowy skirt. The rhythm reminds me of Sooloku in Ghana! If you know what it was…all my friends were doing it too! :-P
enjoy!
Please Don’t Tell me these songs don’t make you want to friggin go wild!
Reading Libby’s blog put me in a state of melancholy. Tried to expel the sadness with a poem. night lovers.
I’m wet
But there is nothing to be done
My cup will fill full
And flow over it’s rim
It will flood a cold banquet
I prepared a feast for a shadow
And I wonder why there is silence
Instead of whispers, commands, curses,
Sighs, moans, a shriek of my compliance
Oh god…
I’m wet
But there is nothing to be done
The clay table crumbles and fruit spills
My full cup lands standing up
Continues to fill full of palm wine
I am a follower of Siddity’s blog, and I went there today to see if she had updated it. I love her blog because she blogs from the perspective of a black woman in an interracial relationship and talks about a lot of things many black women deal with everyday. She was expecting, 20 weeks pregnant, and I read her recent post about her miscarrying on April first. I don’t even know this woman and my heart is breaking for her. My goddess how do you survive this? When I was reading the post I almost felt like crying. I was eating and the fork dropped from my mouth onto the plate. It was so involuntary, and that sudden burning in my chest. I stopped myself because I did not want to steal her grief. This is hers and hers alone.
Sometimes we forget that the people behind these blogs have lives and dreams, and goals. They have souls, they feel pain and tragedy befalls them just the same. Sometimes, we forget just how deeply something as simple as a blog can affect us. Look at me, sitting here, worried and hurting for a woman I barely know…
My heart goes out to her and her husband. I genuinely hope she is ok…
It suddenly hit me hard last night. It made so much sense I wanted to slap myself. What was I waiting for? The public school system is going to shit it seems, and I want to do something about it. What better way to help than to become a teacher? It doesn’t even just stop in this country. I can go back to Ghana and teach there! I want it! It’s perfect!
I think I complicated things for myself, in terms of finding my career? I was thinking of “what would make the most money int he most elaborate way?”
Remember those days when parents would ask “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
And we all had the top three: A Doctor, a Lawyer, or a Teacher.
What happened to that? Just the basic building blocks of a society?
It seems like people are more concerned with making money than anything else. You can’t blame them. The world runs on money, but I don’t want to be controlled by money. I don’t want to make a lot of money. I just want to make enough to pay for an apartment and a car, and that’s it. I’m going to think hard about this, and keep looking for ways to attain what I need to get there.
I don’t want to be too excited and jinx myself…but I am happy. :-)
I was thinking of making a vlog but I realized that I had all these photos and I was not really using them. It’s just so much easier to make vlogs, than to write. I’ve been making a lot of spelling errors lately. i think it’s just because I’m so impatient.
It’s snowing again. Supposed to be really bad tonight, through the weekend. i was thinking for going to my old apartment to celebrate my sister’s BDay with her. I think I will have to wait.
I don’t know if I have really talked about this before, but I think I might get attached to things too easily. To ideas, illusions. I realized this pattern when I started camming. I would find myself getting really strong feelings for screenames, just because of a few compliments, and I have to stop myself and be like “wtf, grow up!”. I’m very embarassed by that. I think to balance that naive puppy dog like view on life, I have become more and more cynical. I expect the worse out of everything. It’s such a strange contradiction, but it works.
For Example!
If I meet a guy for the first time, and he’s cute, and he’s flirty, etc etc, and I find myself getting attracted to him, I then balance that out by thinking “he probably smokes and drinks like a fish.” or something like that. Get it?
I worry that when it comes to guys I’m a little too unbiased. My gates are wide open. My bullshit/asshole radar has been shut off. I think that if the Lover (I’m getting tired of calling him that. lol) had not found me I would have ended up being one of those girls guys use and discard easily. I would be lamenting why sleeping with guys deson’t work in keeping them around lol!
I think I need to re-evaluate that! I get attached too easily, and perhaps I ahev an addictive personality? No…I think it’s something else.
Maybe I thrive of feeling? maybe I like the way thinks make me feel. I judge people on the way they make me feel. That is bad…because as we all know, our emotions are not always right. In fact 80% of the time it leads us astray!
Oy
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I found the blog of an English woman who is submissive. I don’t know if she refers to herself as a slave or not. Anyway! She had a baby this month I think and she is getting married to her Master. She took my breath away with her blog. She was so well versed, so precise about the needs of her Master, about her own needs.It scared me…no it’s not fear. She intimidated me. I found myself questioning, again, if I was truly submissive. I’m so afraid of being something I’m not. Am I a painslut? A slave? asubmissive girl? I don’t know! Maybe I should not use labels…maybe that’s what’s confusing me. i expect to fall into a neat category…
I want something similar to the life she has. I think it’s beautiful…
I don’t think I will ever know until i spend a few days living that way. It makes me amd because I have the opportunity to try it with someone…just dissapear for a weekend and come back well trained and well used lol
But that will not happen either…kind of bums me out.
Anyway, I will continue following the blog…learn a few things…I would LOVE to exchange link with her but I’m a bit scared of offending her lol. I know, I’m a dork.
I have a lot more things on my mind but I’d rather just make a vlog for tomorrow night.
I went to go see my parents today. My mom broke down some of the problems they’re having. I can barely look at them because they are SOO TIRED! I can feel it when I’m around them. They have been working non-stop their entire lives…
I can’t look at them because…
I don’t know
I want a solution. I want to be able to have the solution, but I don’t. I feel paralyzed by fear. It’s a funny loop. Knowing the problems make me want to help them, but at the same time I am so paralyzed by knowing all those problems.
There are SO Many problems, so many people with problems in my family alone.I don’t know where to start and I don’t know what to do…
I am so terrified of failing. I’m terrified of school…of choosing a major and failing at it. I can’t afford to fail…
But at the same time I question whether I am strong enough…no…no not strength…smart enough, intelligent enough, have the cranial capacity to find a good major, finish it and get a good job…be able to participate in the world.
I just want to crawl under the covers and not come out for a while… lol
I had a crush on this boy I danced with at prom. The night before I went to go see him at his house, I wrote a poem about my confusion on why he would like a girl like me. I stopped talking to him a little after I visited him. I can’t tell anyone why because I’m kind of ashamed of the reason, but I hope he’s well and happy.
I got an email from an old acquaintance (I have a wee bit of a crush on him). It came on the tail of many thoughts about my relationship with the Lover and what I want.
I want another boyfriend. I want two boyfriends. He will do all the things the Lover will not do. That way the pressure is lifted off the Lover and everyone is happy. I can go out, go dancing or to the movies or camping with the new boyfriend, come home and talk about politics, philosophy, play Mario Kart with the Lover. The Lover can find another girlfriend too if he wants.
I just want everyone to be happy, and right now I’ll be honest and say that I’m not happy. The little things are piling up. Sometimes he’ll tell me “why don’t you go and find someone else?” when I tell him how much I would love to do the little things and I would think “no one could ever be you. It has to be you.”. Does he think so little of himself?
I’m watching Red Dragon right now, and for some reason….I am so turned on! UGh! what the hell is wrong with me? The movie has all my favorite actors and actress…maybe that’s why…ok back to the movie! Night guys!
So today I was able to get online for one of my playmates, who is a Dom, a master, a Sadist. I’m not sure which on he prefers. Anyway, it involved hot wax, ice cold water and a collar with a leash. It was hard, it was pushing my limits. I did it as if he was in my room, as if his hands were holding the water and the wax, placing each clothespin on my arms and legs. I remember pausing when he called me a pain slut, and a bitch. Hearing these words, one part of me thought of the Sadist and how he used to talk to me about his pain sluts, and how he did not enjoy them because they did not suffer for him, they enjoyed the pain. It made me a little bit disappointed in myself. I am not a pain slut. I know that for sure. I am a Submissive female who suffers for the one she loves.
The other part of me passively soaked those words in, as if those words were catalysts for the sudden creation of a new identity. He wants me to be a pain-slut? Then I am. It was natural to have hot wax dripping onto my skin, to fill the sharp sting of ice on my face, to succumb to the constant burning ache on my nipples, my breasts, my pussy. It all felt natural.
After everything was done, he enthusiastically said “good job!”. It made me feel good to be positively reinforced. However, after he left, I thought to myself…”something is lost.”
It was not until I talked to a friend about what I wanted.
I said ” I would love a Master who would let me suffer for him, and then after everything is over, he spends time just kissing my body, kissing my lips, making everything better with his lips, his hands, his cock”
That prompted him to tell me some experiences he had with an ex girlfriend (left me quite speechless). He explained what subspace was, and being built up as asubbie and then coming down from there. It was beautiful.
I suddenly wanted it, so bad. I just wanted that. I realized that no matter how much fun playing online with these Doms brought, they would never be any way like having a Dom be so close that I can smell him, feel his body heat. I will never have that…I will never suffer for him and be rewarded the way I want to be. With kisses…
It’s all I want nowadays. I have never wanted anything so bad! What many girls take for granted. To be kissed, on my lips (that warm, velvet stroke of tongue against tongue…oh the thought drives me wild!), face, neck, hands, breasts, covered, smothered in kisses…
Maybe I should be careful what I wish for…who knows what the future holds?
So my sister is mad at me, because on the day of the improv, I assumed that she would come pick me up and that she would call. When she didn’t call, I kind of assumed that she flaked and ignored the matter. The next day, she texts me asking if I was ok, and what happened last night. I guess she expected me to get a ride to her house and then we’d go from there. I understand that I was presumptuous to not call and check on her, but I’m kind of confused as to why she didn’t call me. I also found out that her other friends sort of forgot too. I wonder if she forgot to call them too…I don’t know why because she spent money on those tickets. I feel very bad for her, I texted her back and apologized profusely and told her that I really did want to hang out with her, and that all she has to do is name the day. She never texted back! I think she’s more upset that her other friends didn’t come with her. She doesn’t really seem to care whether I came with or not, otherwise she would have called. I would have found a way to put those tickets to good use. I feel for her, but this was a really strange situation, that could have been remedied if all parties were more proactive. I’m not going to blame her for anything because she’s really hurt, but I just don’t think it’s fair for her to shut me out like that. It makes me hesitant to interact with her at all.
…
I’ve been thinking about the Sadist lately. Not really anything too dwelling but passing thoughts. Hell I’ve been thinking about a lot lately in terms of sex. I think that there is a tendency to think of a woman’s sexuality as tamed once she enters a relationship. Maybe it’s my traditional upbringing but good girls do not think of other men when they are married (in this case in a long term relationship). But I’m curious, that cannot be denied, and it seems against nature to douse those feelings and push them to the back of my mind. An open relationship makes sense to me, but he will not share me with any other male. It’s understandable, but frustrating still. I’m tempted to call the Sadist, see how he’s doing, but I’m not in the mood for his BS. I like adults, not little boys. It’s too bad because he had such an interesting life story!
…
Thinking of the future…he wants to know if I would go with him if he decided to just drive, get on the road and drive. It sounded exciting, but we do not have a stable financial life yet. I want to go to North Carolina, study and live there. It would be unwise to do that. It was a hypothetical question on this part, he had no intent on simply taking off, but it had me thinking. He has been giving me new eyes and ears, a new slow thawing mind when it comes to learning. He has been listening to these lectures by these prestigious, highly intelligent professors on everything from the Chaos theory to the philosophy of the mind. He is reading a really difficult book on Artificial Intelligence. The book is hard, it would turn anyone else away from learning anything about it, but his enthusiasm is really inspiring to watch…to see someone that into learning. I mean I listen to my own lectures (on the history of Human Language, it’s interesting but do you see how that pales in comparison to AI, Advanced Calculus and the Chaos theory?!?!) but it makes me ashamed, because I have the opportunity to go to school and I dare to be frozen by fear? I almost want my parents to help HIM through school because he knows what he wants, he’s extremely intelligent, and he’s ready to go! I’m not joking! Ok my parents would probably think I was joking. I’m making my future seem so dim. I will admit I’m starting to have an idea of what I want. I know what I have to do. I just have to trust in my ability to do it. Before we came here from Ghana, my grades were starting to slip. My sisters were smart, they were 2nd, 3rd, 4th ranking in their classes throughout their academic years in Ghana. My second oldest sister used to compete with one of her friends in her class, over who would rank the highest. I on the other hand, just stopped caring. I don’t know why! I think I was a lazy, coddled child quite frankly. Ok, when I say my grades were slipping, it was in the arena of math. It brought me down a lot. I seemed to be a book nerd back then. I read a lot. I loved books, I did well in English classes, science, just not Math. I went from being 3rd in my class of 60 to being 8th, then 12th, and then in the last year before I came here, I was 20th in a class of sixty. My first year in the U.S. in my middle school, I was chosen based on this obscure test to be in the gifted and talented program. When she gave me the test results back, and said I had been chosen, I called her back and told her she had the wrong girl! lol The point here is I really don’t see what a lot of people see in me when they call me smart or intelligent. I don’t see it. maybe it’s because I was raised that everything mathematical is important and everything else is squat. There is no such thing as “I’m good at English, but not Math”. There is no room for mediocrity. There is no such thing as “an average student”. If you’re average then you’re doing something wrong. lol Math is everything and if you don’t do well there you’re doomed, simple as that.
I will admit, things are a bit more fluid here. You are given more room to fail and start over if necessary. I don’t do well with failure. It makes me freeze. That one failure becomes a permanent scar on my mind. lol It’s terrible! How am I ever going to succeed if I’m too scared to fail!
