This is from an essay I’m writing for my class. I just liked what I wrote in there and I never wrote about Eddie Daniels (Went to prison with Nelson Mandela and others who were fighting against the Apartheid Regime) coming to our class. It was certainly interesting. It just made em think of all the things I want to change in the world. What are WE going to do? What am I going to do to change it?

I was intrigued when I heard that Eddie Daniels would be coming to the class. His story was taken quietly, more because I expected his experiences to be as bad as they were. He believed in something, and he fought for it. He sacrificed years of his life to see that change in his society was achieved. He could have been like many of his Afrikaner brothers and sisters, and ignored the struggles of the Black South Africans. However, it seemed ingrained in him to notice that things were not right in the society he lived in.
I could not imagine being confined in a dirty stinking prison, with disgusting food and ghastly conditions. I wonder if I have the courage Daniels had when eh chose his path and realized that he would have to either die or lose something precious in return for his beliefs. Watching him speak in class, I envied him. He had been through the fire and now he had harnessed the fire. I could see it burning in his heart. He was permanently blessed by his ordeal, permanently rewarded for his sacrifice.
I thought of how innocent and unaware I was while this man sat in a jail cell fighting for what was right. I think now of other causes I could fight for in this day an age. Eddie Daniels and other who fought with him and before him paved the way for us. They are setting an example, telling us, though the mountain seems high, the path up is treacherous, and the to seems unreachable, it is possible to get there. I think of Darfur, and the women of the Democratic Republic of Congo. I think of the Palestinians and their struggle, gay rights, and Native Americans. I wonder where to start to change things. I wonder, cowardly, if I would stand alone.
Eddie Daniels had my mind running after he was gone. I thought, “Does change come through steady, non-drastic pushing or does something drastic have to happen to shake the world to it‘s core?”. It seems violence is good for momentarily reminding people that they are human, but it soon numbs them. Nothing is every achieved through violence, and complacence, sitting there waiting for change to be handed to you, will not cause anything to happen. Where is the middle ground? The world seems to be getting worse and worse with each passing day. There are 45,000 people in the Democratic Republic of Congo dying each month. Children and women are being raped and mutilated in the most horrible way. I ask myself, and others, how do we stop these injustices?  Are we brave enough to fight like Eddie Daniels, or will we sit, and wait complacently for change to fall into our laps?

I bought the beads but I can’t string them because the leather string I bought was too big for the beads. I’m watching the Golden Girls right now…what? I like the show! It’s one of the first shows I used to watch when I arrived to this country and I haven’t shunned it yet. I hope I’m as frisky as Blanche when I’m that old. I used to think that I did not want to live past 40. I guess I hate the idea of being somehow inhibited, being crippled by some kind of disease.

What’s up with people putting their mothers and fathers away when they get old? Where I come from, Grandma’s are pivotal to the household. They take care of the children, they discipline, and in return they are loved and cared for. In this country people just send there grandparents away! Maybe the grandparents prefer solitude and peace. they don’t want to be stuck taking care of snot nosed brats.  I don’t know how I see  myself when I’m over 40. My life will not end just because I turn forty, but I’m not sure what I want to do from there.

Anyway, I’m bored…with sex. Now the Lover is fabulous in bed. He’s wonderful. but I think we’ve had so much awesome sex that I think we’ve hit a ceiling. I think we need to branch out. We need to start doing other things. Our sex consists of everything he wants to do and nothing I want to do… God I wish he would just let me model, let me explore. He’s  so busy working, working working, and I’m trying to figure out my life’s path. I want to branch out still though.  I want to explore. I want to have lots and lots of kinky things to tell you guys when I blog.

I’m feeling rebellious tonight, I just wish I could be allowed to rebel. Under the watchful eye of my Lover.

I’m going to bed. I had only four hours of sleep this morning. See how terrible my sleeping habits are?! Sheesh!

Night.

Here’s a video of me blabbering away. One thing I forgot to put in the video is that I got beads today! yay! But they’re not really the beads I like. They’re dark pink, not green or yellow, so we’re going to have to fix that. Those aren’t the only beads I will be wearing, so I can make a new one that’s completely yellow or green. Also if you expected me to be online today I’m really sorry. I cleared my schedule so that I can find a schedule that better suits me.

But anyway, I have to go get that paper done and continue studying again. Night everyone.

There’s a funny sound coming from my laptop. I think it’s the CPU fan. The Lover is being stubborn about fixing it and I think it will eventually just stop working. The program I use to get on CCI will not start up, and I posted a question the software’s site asking them for support and for some reason they haven’t replied. Guess I’m not important enough? Who knows!  Everything is falling apart man!

I just realized today that I have a test on Monday and the beginning of a paper due on that same day. Tomorrow I have a potluck that I completely forgot about until tonight. I was going to cook for it but now I don’t think I can even go…I feel kind of bad.

AND! I saw my grade for a test I prepared and studied for. I even left the classroom feeling confident because it was the only test I felt like I knew something about. I check my grade and I got THE WORST GRADE I have ever gotten on a test in that class….how the hell can this beee?  I hate that class, hate it. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate that class with an ugly passion. Why it’s required for a Psychology major I will NEVER KNOW!

It’s just moments like this, that makes me think that maybe I’m not cut out for college.  But i don’t really have a choice.

Oh! and we have a new video feature on the blog now. I can post videos.

Night.

I am such a restless, restless woman. I am so curious, always curious, always getting closer and closer to the flame, to the den. I want to play with the lions, and I want to come out with scars as proof of my adventures. I am not dissatisfied with the Lover. In fact this…restlessness has nothing to do with me thinking he’s “inadequate” or anything. I think it has more to do with the fact that I never got to explore the wonderful sea of witty nerdy brains and sturdy cocks.

If I was single, I think I would be a bit of a whore. I think I really really enjoy men, especially older men. I would make it a hobby of mine to find older, intelligent men, talk to them, laugh with them, make love to them and then part ways.

That Reminds me…

I’ve been thinking of taking up a hobby where I go around the town, state, country, world collecting people’s memories. I want to have a library of people’s lives, of milestones in their lives, of lost love and lucky chances. I’m going to start with the Lover’s story. I need My own video camera them. Maybe an online library full of people’s lives. Am I being creepy? I think that maybe I’m a little too interested in other people’s lives. I guess I’m on a mission to find that one advice or close call that will inspire my soul alight…

Is it fair for me to seek inspiration from other people’s accomplishments and failures?

It seems like I should find my own inspiration.

ANYWAY

I want sex….so I’m going to go meowing to him, and paw at him until I get what I want.

Night!

P.s. I think I’m in love with Katherine Dunham! oh my!

My program for CCI isn’t working, so I’m going to get online of indoor secrets.com. I don’t understand, this sucks! I miss my honies :-(. I don’t know, hopefully you guys will see this post and come to indoor secrets.com. (p.s. It’s about a dollar less. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone!)

But it seems otehr girls aren’t on right now. I think they have been having the same problem as me. Hopefully it gets fixed soon. Oh well, Indoor Secrets here I cum!

How do I feel about My situation?

1. I feel tired

2. I feel like I’m out of place again in that new organization because they are all mixed and so proud of that distinction.

3. I feel like even though I’m proud of Obama but this is still not my country.

4. I feel totally disconnected from the world.

5. I hate the way alchohol tastes.  I feel like there is really no reason to drink it.

6. I feel like I need to grow up, and fast.

7. Why do I feel so stunted?

8. I’m still holding on to the hands of ghosts long gone.

Possibilities for the future

1. travel to a new location for college

2. Volunteer for a shelter, more specifically a women’s shelter.

3. Keep camming for fun, just to see what happens.

4. Have sex with another man with my Lover’s permission.

5. Meet older, wiser people (preferably men) over 25 years old.

6. Force my mom to teach me all of our culture’s dishes.

7. GET INVOLVED in stopping the rape and mutilation of women and children in the Congo.

8. Start writing a book compiled of everything I know of my culture that I want to pass down to my children when they are old enough.

9. Continue collecting old books, new books to my little library.

10. Figure out a way not only to help my parents but my uncle and aunts and my grandmother at home. I haven’t forgotten about them.

During my 3 hour class, one of the guys had a presentation. He came to class drunk and spent his presentation hitting on a friend of mine. It was…quite funny to watch.  Then he wanted me to help him research Africa…I hate drunks. But I think he’s handsome. I don’t know how old he is.I like his beard, and he’s so much bigger than me….

ANYWHO!

So, it’s my birthday. hurray me. I kind of just want this day to slowly slink away without anyone one noticing. Hmm…why does this day annoy and cause me such anxiety? I don’t know. You know what I miss? My mom’s homemade cakes. When I was little, in West Africa,, my mom would bake me a cake for my birthday. She used to make the best cakes EVER! Her orange cake was to die for.

Gah! I’m doing it again.

Going back in time to retrieve ghosts! Ghosts! Who lives this way? Trapped in the past, conversing with people who no longer exist, longing for love that I have LONG outgrown.

My main priority after this birthday, is to MOVE THE FUCK ON!

It’s not 1999, it’s 2008. Whether I like ti or not, I’m here, and I need to start carving out a place for myself before I waste all this opportunity. I am no longer a child. I am an adult.

M- DEAL WITH IT!

Sorry, just scolding myself. I just want this day to end already.  At the same time, I hate the day after my birthday. It always feels like I’ve lost something important with the passing of that day.

Night lovers.

What?

…………

WHAT?!

Yea! I said it. I think he’s fucking sexy. I would like to fuck him before he dies. I like the way he looks when he’s passionate about something. I like the way he dresses, I like how goofy he is, and best of all HE’S 6′3 and a HALF! That’s wonderfully wonderful! I think he’s the only….popular figure that I would like to meet someday…alone, in a hotel room *sigh*

Of course the Lover said he would never allow me to have sex with Keith Olbermann, but he doesn’t understand man! It’s for the good of the country!  I bet you’re wondering, “why him? You have so many other choices! Anderson Cooper anyone?”

Anderson Cooper is best left at eye candy. Keith Olbermann, I covet, because he wears nice looking ties, and he’s tall, and his brain makes me blush. I want to spend hours playing with that big, luscious…brain of his. Yum-O. I would love to be his little thing of pleasure for a night. OMG I’m going to get spanked for writing this! Oh well! It’s worth it, and just as long as I get to think of Keith’s hand spanking me while the Lover is punishing me!

Ok, done being creepy.  lol

UPDATE: Ugh, I could spend time with Keith while the Lover works, and works and works, and works and works and works and works. This is getting hopeless really.

This is the part where I shove international artists down your throat. Open wide and enjoy!

Sevara Nazarkhan

Susheela Raman

Ayo

Span

Anna Ternheim